Sunday, May 3, 2009

Nas and Kelis - Getting Divorced!


Celebrity couple Nas and Kelis (pictured above wearing merchandising from their flop sitcom) have separated with Kelis filing for divorce. Friends of the pregnant milkshake singer say that she apparently made the decision after Nas played her songs from his upcoming album.

However, rumors are circulating that the real reason behind the divorce is that Nas may not be the father of Kelis's unborn child and that the real father is actor Kevin Bacon, who last month was overheard saying to a friend 'I'm in big trouble' and was seen publicly argueing with Mary J Blige over the matter last week. Apparently, Kelis and Bacon first met at a charity function for ED O G and Da Bulldogs last September in Roxbury and have been friends ever since. A spokesman for Nas said that he became suspicious that they were having an affair after Kelis was caught masturbating whilst watching the Ron Howard movie Apollo 13 which stars Kevin Bacon as Jack Swigert.


Actor Kevin Bacon (centre) being confronted by Mary J Blige (with her back to the camera) about the affair.

When asked about the divorce Kelis said "Nothing is going on between myself and Kevin, we are just friends. I don't deny masturbating to Apollo 13 as Ron Howard flicks really turn me on. The fact is that I am divorcing Nas because his upcoming untitled album is shit"

Bacon also quashed the rumors, stating that when he said he was in 'big trouble' he was referring to a practical joke which he had played on fellow actor Tom Hanks that went horribly wrong.


Happier Times. Bacon with an overdressed AZ at Jay- Z's Brithday Party in 2003

Tuesday, February 10, 2009

This Blog Needs Updating!!!

Crap

Saturday, November 15, 2008

Many Fazes - I'm Hip


Back in 1990, 2 young rappers burst onto the scene claiming to be hip. They haven't been heard of since.

Many Fazes - I'm Hip

Big Red - Create A Monster


Here's an unreleased classic from 94' produced by Diamond D from Big Red on Payday records. After he created the monster, it gobbled him up and Big Red was never seen or heard of since.

Big Red - Create A Monster

Monday, October 13, 2008

Over The Hill: The Sen Dog Story


You know times are tough in the Hip Hop game when a label signs Sen Dog, aged 43, of Cypress Hill (pictured above after a concrete block was dropped on his foot whilst performing) and releases his album, as 'Suburban Noize' records did in September of this year. 

Sen started his career as B Real's echo, copying the last few words of every sentence B-Real would say. "Many people believed that this was only on record but he would do it all the time" said friend and producer DJ Muggs "When I first met B-Real in High School, he introduced himself by saying "What's up man, I'm B-Realthen Sen Dog, who was standing right beside him, shouted "B-Real". At first I thought he was taking the piss but then he continued to do it every time B-Real would say something. I began to think he had mental health problems because he never said anything himself. It made his life difficult, like when we would go out to a restaurant and order food he would always get less than everyone else, because if B would order a burger and fries Sen would only get fries". 

Sen Dog showing off his massive right arm with Cypress Hill

As both B-Real and Muggs loved Hip Hop they became friends and the three of them would hangout together "They used to come to my house and listen to records, but I wasn't sure whether Sen liked Hip Hop because he never communicated to anyone. Anyway one night we were hanging out and B just started rapping, but because he was rapping quite fast and over beats, I think that confused Sen because he copied not the last few words of B's rhyme but the first few words and sometimes he would even finish what B was going to say, it was some crazy sh*t!"


Sen Dog showing how he would punch a homosexual if he met one at a bar.

Although it worked on records, Sen's strange ways were beginning to take it's toll on the other two members of the group, so once they got signed to Columbia records, they entered into group therapy. "I loved having Sen around, but he was beginning to make us look stupid especially when we were being interviewed or when I would be speaking to someone on the phone" said B-Real. "At first it wasn't working but then the therapist asked me about Sen's family. Sen Dog's father left his mother when he was just a puppy for some other bitch, so when I spoke about that, Sen copied me and as he did he started to cry. Then to everyones amazement he began to speak about his father in his own words". Sen revealed that he blamed himself for his father leaving and just stopped speaking until he met B-Real, but because he lacked self confidence he didn't feel that he could speak in his own words, so he just copied what B-Real would say.


Sen Dog's father, Ben 'Woofie' Dog.

After therapy, the group went into the studio and recorded their first album, with Sen feeling confident enough to write his own lyrics and rap on the album whilst still acting as B-Real's echo. "Sen's lyrics and rhyming sucked, he would write stuff like "I'm a chicken hunt hunting for a chicken" and think it was dope, but we couldn't tell him that it wasn't, because it would have knocked his confidence and then we would have been back at square one, plus with him on the record it made B Real look good because he wasn't that good either, so the pair helped each other" said Muggs.


Sen Dog with his 3rd wife Shelia Dog, they divorced shortly after this photo was taken.

As the group became more and more popular, Sen's confidence began to grow along with his ego and now, some 17 years after Cypress Hill signed their first record deal, he has released his debut solo album titled 'Diary Of A Mad Dog'. "When Sen told me that Surburban Noize records had asked him if to make an album, I looked at the calendar to make sure it wasn't April 1st, when I saw it wasn't I looked at him and asked why he was lying to me. When he told me he wasn't I was stunned. He then said that it was now time for him to shine as a real MC and that he was gonna go after Nas and Jay-Z to become the world's number one MC. I then wished him good luck with making a fool of himself" recalls Muggs. 


Sen Dog on stage hoping the audience will rap the lyrics to his song 'Fumble' as he forgot them. Problem was, they didn't know them either. Embarrassing!

The 15 track album, which was released on September 30th 2008, has so far sold 543 copies worldwide on CD, that includes the 86 copies which were returned to stores by disappointed customers. Z-Share, the online file sharing site, reported that of the 4901 copies that were downloaded illegally for free, 3789 were deleted within 2 hours of being downloaded. 

Sen was not available for comment and wished not to be interviewed. He was last spotted last Sunday evening filling up a shopping trolly with cheap cuban rum and tequila. When asked what he was doing he said that he was leaving for Las Vegas.

Sen Dog with the video for 'Hard In The Paint'. In a recent interview he said that he paid some guy over $1 million to get it made. Something tells me he got ripped off.

Friday, October 10, 2008

Def Bed To Bury Rappers When They're Dead



The founder of Def Jam and Phat Farm, Russell Simmons (pictured above with family member Rita Simmons), announced last night that he is to open a chain of funeral parlors across North America exclusively for rappers named "Def Bed" with the first opening in New York. When asked why he was moving into this line of business Mr Simmons said: "Over the last 10-15 years I've been to the funerals of Biggie, Jam Master Jay, Big Pun and Ol Dirty Bastard and they all sucked". When describing the funerals he complained that Ol' Dirty Bastard's coffin was "for old dirty white people", the buffet at Big Pun's was "bland" and the fonts used on Jam Master Jay's gravestone were "outdated". 


ODB aka Ol Dead Bastard

The Def Bed Funeral Service has hired Run DMC member and brother of Simmons, Reverend Run, to conduct the sermons at every funeral and have hired a number of legendary New York graffiti artists to design the gravestones. Rappers will be able to design their own coffin or have the standard def bed pimped out coffin which comes with a built in television set, dvd player, sound system, bottles of the finest champagne and internet access. When asked who's funeral he was most looking forward to, Russell replied: "I can't wait for Grandmaster Flash's funeral, he just signed up yesterday and I can reveal that he has ordered technics to make a coffin for him that will look exactly like a giant turntable".  

Also signed up is Jay-Z who, according to Simmons, apparently wants Beyonce to be buried with him, regardless of whether she is dead or alive at the time of his death. "Jay's choice of coffin is the size of a swimming pool and will contain over 100 television screens which will show the movie Scarface on rotation. It also will be made of bulletproof clear glass which means that if Beyonce is still alive when buried with him, you wlll be able to see her reaction when the airless capsule closes". 


Cape Fear: Reverend Run just before take off.

With the cheapest funeral being priced at $1 million, many have criticized the company and Russell Simmons, especially retired rappers. Former Def Jam recording artist T-La Rock said "How the hell can I afford that when I can't even pay this months rent, I've paid my dues, I deserve to have a good send off like the rest of them" Russell responded by saying that any artists who have been signed to Def Jam in the past, present or the future will be entitled to a 50% discount except for MC Serch.

Russell's Top 5 most anticipated funerals

1. Grandmaster Flash
2. Jay-Z 
3. Eminem
4. DJ Kool Herc
5. Busy Bee

Wednesday, October 8, 2008

Eric B Sells Freddie Foxxx


Legendary DJ, Gangster and production credit thief Eric B has sold the rapper and henchmen Freddie Foxxx (pictured above) to Rupert Murdoch for an undisclosed fee. Murdoch who owns the New York Post, The Sun, The Times, Wall Street Journal, Sky Television, Myspace and the surviving member of Milli Vanilli to name a few, purchased Foxxx to complete his Fox empire which consists of Fox News, 20th Century Fox and all other Fox affiliates. In a statement Eric B said that he had been trying to sell Foxxx for years since the release of his embarrassing solo album titled 'Eric B' which was co-written by Foxxx. He also stated that he needed a return on the money he invested in Foxxx's massage parlor 'Foxxxy Lady' which went out of business in 2006. Eric B who already owns a number of restaurants, brought Foxxx from Queen Latifah after the Flavor Unit disbanded.

Tiny Fab Morvan formally of Milli Vanilli with owner Rupert Murdoch.

As soon as the deal was signed, Murdoch held a lavish press conference at Fox News HQ in Manhattan to show off his latest possession but before he did, he made a brief statement saying that he planned to use Foxxx on the Fox News Network as the networks first Black Ghetto Consevative Pundit. "Bringing Foxxx to Fox News is a major coup for us. Merging the two together has endless possibilities". He also announced that he has hired a team of writers to write a sitcom for Foxxx and Fab Morvan formerly of Milli Vanilli named 'Fab and Foxxx' . The show, which will see the pair play characters who work in a coffee shop in Brooklyn and live together, is due to start filming this November. "It's a kind of modern day odd couple for Blacks" said Murdoch. 


Rupert Murdoch on stage with his latest purchase Freddie Foxxx

When Murdoch introduced Foxxx, the stage went completely dark followed by the sound of a heart beating whilst the room was being filled up with smoke. As the smoke began to clear, two turntables rose up from the podium, then the 20th Century fox fanfare that you hear before every fox movie starts began to blast out of the speakers whilst a moody looking Eric B cut 'ain't nobody smiling' over the top of it. Following the show Foxxx said that he was looking forward to kick starting his career with his new owner. When asked if he would continue his musical career he said "you'll have to ask Bumpy Knuckles that question" then both he and Murdoch began to laugh uncontrollably and ended the press conference.


But not everyone is pleased with the deal. Many activists have called it modern day slavery with some saying that the sale of Foxxx was illegal and protested against the action outside Fox News Headquarters, amongst the angry protesters was Nas who used the opportunity to promote his latest album 'Untitled' which includes "Sly Fox" a track that criticizes the Fox News network for it's treatment of the black community. Nas said "Freddie is being used by Fox to try and get the street community watching it but don't, just buy my new album which is in stores now instead".

Monday, October 6, 2008

Who Is Pale Faced Derek B Picture Guy?

On Saturday we posted a blog about UK rapping duo Ant and Dec which took over 4 years to write. In that blog a photo of Derek B was posted which we found on his myspace page. Caught on camera is a pale faced white man which we named 'pale faced Derek B picture guy' and we appealed to him to please come forward as we would like to speak to him. Well first thing this morning a ton of e-mails came flying through of 'Pale faced Derek B picture guy' but with different artists. Below is a small sample of what came through the mail today.


Here we have Pale Faced Derek B Picture Guy with DJ Premier. Premier is probably shouting at people who are leaving the club during his set.


Pale Faced Derek B Picture Guy here in front of Grandmaster Flash. What people don't see is that Flash is sitting on the toilet whilst scratching. That's right, Flash has turntables in his toilet.


Again pale faced Derek B picture guy in the same position, this time at a Jay-Z gig. Jay is giving the mic some love.


Looks like Kane is about to give him his chain. It appears that Pale faced Derek B picture guy is either in a wheelchair or on his knees. 

Poor old Dawson is still upset over not getting any work since Dawson's Creek finished. However, there are rumors that he will be playing Gordon Ramsey in a movie about the cook.

Saturday, October 4, 2008

UK Hip Hop Legends: PJ and Duncan


During Hip Hop's Golden Age, MC's PJ and Duncan aka Ant and Dec were the UK's biggest rapping duo. In 1994, they released the classic 'Let's Get Ready To Rhumble' which hit the UK Top 10 and went on to sell thousands of copies across Great Britain and Gibraltar. To this date, the track is still the biggest selling rap record by a UK artist of all time. "I'll never forget that day" said Duncan as he wiped a lonely tear from his left cheek, "as soon as Bruno Brookes announced our chart position on the Radio 1 Top 40, fellow UK rapper Derek B (43) called to congratulate us, as his single 'Good Groove'' previously held the prestigious title. 'Rhumble' opened many doors for us and got us the respect we deserved as real MC's." 

Above: Running out of Juice - The Bad Young Brother Derek B (43) performing on stage for the back of peoples heads***.

At the same time, RZA, who was touring the UK with Wu Tang Clan, was looking for new MC's to join the collective. "I was in London promoting the album and whilst listening to the radio I heard 'Let's Get Ready To Rhumble'. At first I thought it was EPMD, but then the DJ announced that it was these UK cats PJ and Duncan. I just had to get them in the clan, so my manager arranged a meeting for the following day and boom! It was on" said the RZA who apparently was unaware that PJ and Duncan also were the country's best known practical jokers. 


Above: "Grumpy Old Bugger" RZA having lunch with David the winner of the radio times have lunch with RZA competition.

The meeting between the trio was held at 5 in the morning at a pub in East London. "As I approached the door, these two crazy looking bouncers with long beards and glasses stop me and ask me what I am doing here and who I am here to see" explains RZA "they then said that they need to strip search me because they were worried that I was an assassin sent to kill PJ and Duncan as they were getting death threats from EPMD fans, at first I declined but I needed to meet these two cats, so after 5 minutes I agreed to the full cavity search. After the two hour ordeal they turned to me, ripped off their fake beards, shouted Psyche and told me that they were PJ and Duncan and that they were filming a sketch for a new Children's BBC comedy show named 'Psyche'. Then from out of nowhere a TV crew appeared and everyone started to clap and laugh." But RZA did not see the funny side of the fake business meeting, he continues "I was so pissed that I punched PJ in the mouth and grabbed Duncan by the balls". As they lie on the ground crying, RZA then forced the producers of the programme to give him the video tapes of the incident and then left the building. For the duo, the incident was so distressing that after months of much needed therapy they reverted back to their real names 'Ant' and 'Dec' and traded their microphones for a career in television hosting the UK version of Pop Idol, CD UK and a number of other highly successful shows. But even though 14 years have passed the incident still upsets the double act; "that RIZZY was a right grumpy old bugger!" Shouts a red faced PJ whilst banging his fists on a table: "He not only ruined our music career but he also destroyed the Wang Tang Clan, because if we would have joined, they would still be big today and possibly would have already appeared on 'I'm a Celebrity Get Me Out Of Here'". 

After being told what PJ and Duncan had said about him, the RZA responded: "F**k them w*ggers if I ever see them suckers again they gonna need to protect their neck!" A few days later RZA apologised for referring to the duo as W*ggers as Ant's brother is half W*igger"

 
It Ain't No Hype! The classic "Let's Get Ready To Rhumble"

*** Are you the pale faced Derek B picture guy in the picture with Derek B or is he a friend of yours? If so we would love to speak to you. Please e-mail us at the address above.

Wednesday, September 3, 2008

Boostin Kev - I'm A Booster Remix

Who the booster??? Boostin' Kev that's who! He also claims to be fly. Big head.

Boostin' Kev - I'm A Booster Remix

Friday, July 18, 2008

Ante Up!

Kanye West Comes Clean In Front Of Common


Grammy winning Kanye West was caught masturbating last night by fellow rapper Common. 

Common said "We were about to do a show so I thought that It would be good to have Kanye say one of his prayers to Jesus so everything goes alright. As I was approaching his dressing room I heard the track 'Stronger' and some huffing and puffing. Because I thought he was being attacked I burst through the door A-Team style, but rather than seeing him catching a beatdown, I saw him knocking one out in front of a mirror. When he saw me, he rushed to pull up his Kanye West silk underpants, made by Calvin Klein, and shouted "if you tell anyone about this I'll never produce another record for you again!". 


Above: The dressing room where the incident happened (If you look closely you can see the Kanye stains on the wall)

A distraught Common then closed the door and went to the downstairs bar to have a drink, but apparently he got so drunk he blurted out the discovery he made in front of everyone in the bar including CNN reporter and personal friend 'Wolf Blitzer' who said "Common is known to be a bit of a blabber mouth when his had a couple". Kanye was then seen being rushed into his limo where he was taken to Def Jam recordings for crisis talks.


Above: Wolf Blitzer

But this isn't the first time the rapper and producer has been caught cream handed. Former fiancee Alexis Phiefer said that because he loves himself so much that it's part of his daily routine. She also claims that this is the reason why they called off their relationship.

A spokesman for Kanye said "Common's finished"


Above: Wanker

Hijack The Terrorist Group Sent To Guananamo Bay


80's and 90's UK Hip Hop crew Hijack - The Terrorist Group were arrested Friday in a dawn raid and sent directly to Guantanamo Bay on anti terrorism charges for further questioning.

The fast rapping hostile group who were signed to Ice T's Rhyme Syndicate label, parted ways in 1992 and claim not to have seen, nor spoken to each other ever since. "I'll never forget that day" said DJ Supreme wearing an orange suit and hand cuffs "we all went round to Sly's house for rap and DJ practice when he called us into the debate room, which he also used as a kitchen and told us it was over, I just stormed out of the room and went straight to Switzerland where I live to this day, that's why these charges are completely ridiculous!"

DJ Undercover who also denies the charges said that they were only pretending to be terrorists and never really meant the things that were said on there records.

At a press conference Metropolitan Police Assistant Commissioner Keith Stedway stated that it was actually an elderly lady who reported the group. Apparently she was shopping in her local charity shop Oxfam, looking for an Abba CD, when she came across the album the horns of jericho by Hijack. Once she saw the tracklisting she immediately brought the CD and took it to the nearest police station. "Once we saw the song titles we knew what we were up against, we didn't even need to listen to the album to work out what these terrorist dirt bags were up to" said the commissioner.

Stedway has released a dossier containing details of each Hijack song and what the anti-terrorist officer believes to be the the real meaning behind the tracks:
  • Phantom Of The Opera: "A huge broadway show and possibly one of their many targets"
  • Daddy Rich: "That obviously is the name of a terrorist fund raiser or sponsor, why it's in 2 parts is still to be determined"
  • Back To Brixton: "This must be where the terrorist scum have their headquarters"
  • The Syndicate Outta Jail: "These freedom hating filth seem to be apart of a much bigger terror cell named the "The Syndicate". We already have some members of this group under surveillance, one of which goes by the codename Ice T"
  • Airwave Hijack: "A possible hijacking of a radio station where they would try and broadcast terrorist propaganda shortly before blowing themselves up"
  • Hijack The Terrorist Group: "This one is vital evidence which gave the game away"
  • I Had To Serve You: "Perhaps members worked as waiters in restaurants before becoming killers"
  • The Badman is Robbin: "They know that they are bad and they must have been planning a robbery or some kind of cash heist to fund their terrorist activities"
  • Don't Go With Strangers: "This will get them some sympathy with the judge, it shows that they are anti pedophiles, but with that said they are still terrorist scum"
  • Brother Versus Brother: "Perhaps there was a power struggle within the terror cell"
  • The Paranoid Schizophrenic with homicidal tendencies: "Obviously a cell member has mental issues" a pathetic attempt to build a case in advance for diminished responsibility - but it won't wash - just like those dirty smelly scum"
  • The Contract: "Obviously a hit on a major figure, at this point we cannot determine who but we do know that it's someone who fights for freedom and we have put producer Mark B in a witness protection programme for his on safety."
Back in Guantanamo Bay, when asked about a possible Hijack reunion Kamanchi Sly answered "although we are under constant guard and locked up for 23 hours a day it has been good to see the boys again so who knows"

The Saga Continues!

Tuesday, June 3, 2008

Herb McGruff - Keep My Palm On The Handle Remix

Can anyone remember when sweaty nosed London radio presenter DJ 279 was any good? Anyone? No, neither can I. I do however remember when he played this unreleased gem back in the day from Herbert Brown aka Herb McGruff. I too keep my palm on the handle when tending to the chickens.

Thursday, May 22, 2008

Hip Hop 120 28/08/03


Here's another partial Hip Hop 120 from August 28th 2003. This one features DJ Lil Vic (pictured above) in the mix spinning Jaylib, Big Noyd, Kurupt Money Inc., Redman and Method Man, Grand Puba, Apani B Fly MC and more. Plus DJ Eclipse drops another weekly rap report from NYC.

If my memory serves me correctly this was broadcast on the same night that Vic lost his virginity to a Heather B record cover.

Download: Hip Hop 120 28/08/03

Thanks to my man DJ Hassle for this one!!!